So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
