Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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