It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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