my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
