if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
