Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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