We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
