I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
