You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
