if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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