It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
