i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
