Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
