Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
