She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
