I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
