Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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