the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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