1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize