Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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