Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
