haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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