I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
