Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
