i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
