I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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