ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize