rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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