if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
