Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
