know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
