6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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