I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
