Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
