Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dignity is for republicans.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
