You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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