Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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