I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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