what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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