note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
