hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
