I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
