Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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