can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
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