So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
