On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
