fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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