the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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