I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
