Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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