You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
