At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
