There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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