I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
